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The Blair Scream Project Part 2

Intro
Part 1


EXT. PARKING LOT

Ben and Casey stand waiting to get under way.

CASEY
So Ben before we go I think I'll get something to drink.

BEN
Okay, I'll tell Kristen.

Casey Walks to Racey Hall and heads inside.

CASEY
So thirsty. So very very thirsty.

As he passes the phone outside the dorm, it rings.

CASEY
The phone ringing? Out here? Curious.

He answers it.

VOICE
Hello Casey.

Casey is frightened.

CASEY
Um, is this the part of the movie where I'm mercilessly killed?

VOICE
Maybe. You going out in the woods today?

CASEY
I'd planned on it.

VOICE
Beware the Teddy Bears' Picnic.

CASEY
How do you know about the teddy bears?!

VOICE
Oh, I know lot's of things.

CASEY
Okay, um, I'm really intimidated right now, so, I'm gonna go.

VOICE
Bye bye. Heh heh heh.

Casey squeaks, and hangs up.

INT. RACEY LOUNGE

Casey tries desperately to extract a soda from the machine.

CASEY
Hurry, thirsty, oh so thirsty!

GHOSTFACE sneaks into the room and stalks up behind Casey. He taps him on the shoulder, and when Casey looks, hides behind the other side of the machine. He then emerges and stabs Casey repeatedly.

CASEY
Oh God! Aah! I've learned the folly of my ways!

INT. RACEY LOUNGE -- LATER

The killer is gone, and Casey lies dying on the floor. Wendy enters and walks by his body. She tries the vending machine, and then gives up. She leaves.

INT. CAR

DJ, Kristen, and Katie are in the car. Kristen is driving.

KATIE
Wait, where's Casey, wasn't he supposed to be in this car?

DJ
I don't know where Casey is. Ben said he'd gone for a soda.

KRISTEN
(thought: pre-recorded)
Oh no, Casey was the name of some of the earliest victims in the Scream movies! Could my secret dark past be coming back to haunt me?...Nah. It's just a coincidence.

DJ
Anyway, we are going to follow the rules here aren't we?

KRISTEN
Rules?

DJ
The rules of a parody. Don't you know the rules?

KATIE
Why no DJ. We do not know the rules.

DJ
Well then let me enlighten you. The Rules of a Parody: Rule number one, there's always at least one reference to a movie or tv show other than the main one being parodied. Rule number two, there's always at least one reference to the characters being aware of being characters in a movie. Rule number three, there's always lot's of cheap gags.

Someone Farts.

DJ
And rule number four, never, ever, under any circumstances, trust sheep.

Everyone gives him a weird look.

KATIE
What?!

EXT. BURKITTSVILLE OUTSKIRTS

MULDER and SCULLY stand before the "Welcome To Burkittsville" sign.

MULDER
I'm telling you Scully, a Witch killed those missing students.

SCULLY
Mulder, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

MULDER
...Scully, the sun sets in the west.

SCULLY
Mulder that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

MULDER
Ha! I knew it! You just automatically contradict everything I say!

SCULLY
...Mulder that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

EXT. BURKITTSVILLE CEMETERY

Kristin stands in the foreground, facing the camera. In the background, Jenn, and PETER stand at graves, mourning loved ones.

The Scream Music plays in the background.

KRISTIN
In 1994, three student film makers disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville Maryland while filming a documentary. A year later, their footage was found.

Meanwhile, in the background, Ghostface begins chasing Jenn, while a ZOMBIE attacks Peter.

ZOMBIE
Brains! Brains!

KRISTIN
(cont.)
Now, interest in this mystery has been reignited by the commercial release, and merchandising exploitation of the footage. And yet, no sign of the students has been found.

Kristin turns to the chaos behind her.

KRISTEN
(cont.)
Do you mind! We're trying to film a movie here!

ALL
Sorry!

The Zombie and Ghostface dispatch their victims in complete silence.

KRISTEN
I, armed with one camera, and no gear of any kind, believe I can accomplish what thousands of man hours could not. I will find the missing students.

EXT. BURKITTSVILLE STREET

Kristen stands with a RANDOM TOWNSPERSON.

KRISTEN
Excuse me sir, do you mind talking with some irritating, foolhardy college students?

RANDOM TOWNSPERSON
No, not at all. You're all doomed! Doomed I tells ya! Doomed!

KRISTEN
Thank you sir. Have you ever heard of the Blair Witch?

RANDOM TOWNSPERSON
No! I shall deny that to the last breath in my body! I mean yes. I have. In Seventeen Eighty Five, Elly Kedward was accused of Witchcraft.

INT. COURTHOUSE

The JUDGE sits at his place while a large crowd brings in ELLY KEDWARD.

CROWD
A witch! A witch!

They bring her before the Judge.

COLONIAL 1
We've found a witch may we burn her?

JUDGE
How do you know she's a witch?

COLONIAL 2
She looks like one!

JUDGE
Bring her forward.

They shove Elly Kedward to the fore.

KEDWARD
I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!

JUDGE
But you are dressed as one.

KEDWARD
They dressed me like this! And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!

The Judge tests, and sure enough, the nose is fake.

CROWD
Burn her! A witch! Burn her!

JUDGE
Did you dress her up like this?

CROWD
No! No!

COLONIAL 3
Yes.

COLONIAL 1&2
Yes. A bit. A bit.

COLONIAL 1
We did do the nose. And the hat. But she's a witch!

JUDGE
What makes you think she's a witch?

COLONIAL 2
She turned me into a newt!

The Judge scoffs.

JUDGE
A newt?

COLONIAL 2
I got better.

JUDGE
There are ways of telling if she is a witch.

COLONIAL 1
Are there?

CROWD
Tell us! Tell us!

JUDGE
What do you do with witches?

CROWD
Burn them! Yay! Burn her!

JUDGE
What do you burn, apart from witches?

COLONIAL 3
More witches!

COLONIAL 2
Wood!

JUDGE
Good! So, why to witches burn?

COLONIAL 1
.............They're made of wood?

JUDGE
Exactly. So, how can we tell if she is made of wood?

COLONIAL 1
Build a bridge out of her!

JUDGE
Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?

COLONIAL 1
Oh yeah.

JUDGE
Tell me, does wood sink in water?

COLONIAL 2
.............No! It floats! Throw her into Tappy East Creek!

JUDGE
What else floats on water?

COLONIAL 1
Bread!

COLONIAL 2
Very small rocks!

COLONIAL 3
Oil! Styrofoam!

RANDOM VOICE FROM THE CROWD
A duck!

JUDGE
Yes! So, logically...

COLONIAL 1
If she...weighs the same as a duck....she's made of wood?

JUDGE
Yes. And therefore?

CROWD
.............A witch! A witch!

The crowd hurries Elly Kedward out, with the judge following.

EXT BURKITTSVILLE STREET

The interview continues

TOWNSPERSON
So, to make a long story short, they found her guilty, and a whole bunch of weird bad stuff began to happen. If you go out there, you won't come back.

KRISTEN
So, I take it you believe in the legends?

TOWNSPERSON
Me? Ha! Heck no, they're all a bunch of bunk!

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